Lose Yourself in the Words

I want to be free of excuses

I want to be undefinable; unattainable.

I want to be grounded...while flying free.

I want to bask in the realization that I am a walking contradiction.

Its funny that I have had this thinger for I'd say three years, and it wasn't until tonight that I realized I have been writing in a blog....interesting.  I always viewed blogging as an intellectual thing...and look at me now...blogging away!

So, its been awhile since I've written, but lately I have been losing my mind by worrying about things, so I figured this would be a great place to express everything that I need to.

 

So recenetly I told my boyfriend I would move in with him after graduation (which is in May).  Now trust me...this was such a big decision for me only because I have commitment issues.  But I figured since we already spend so much time together, it would be pointless to both pay for our own places.  Here is worry number one....what if we end up moving in together and it doesn't end up working right....how in the hell do you end a relationship with someone when your sharing a freakin house. 

 

Next worry.  My boyfriend recently told me that I am the best thing that ever happened to him, and that if it wasn't for me...his life would have been really messed up.  WOW! talk about pressure....and such a big commitment (which again....I'm bad at)  Thats basically setting me up for not wanting to hurt him in anyway. 

 

Now dont get me wrong...I love him to death, but I always worry about the what ifs...and another thing...I've been really having a hard time with deciding to be in a relationship or not.  I know it sounds horrible, but there will be times when I look around at all the guys everywhere...and I want to be single!!! Plus it worries me that when I do meet a new guy, who seems to show interest in me...I can never tell them I have a boyfriend...and then for some reason, I think about how it would be to be with that new guy instead.  Am I a sick and twisted person?  Or am I just unsure about how I'm feeling?  Or maybe I'm just confused for whatever reason? 

 

And then theres the fact that there are so many times when I feel so unappreciated.  I do so much for my boyfriend...and dont get me wrong, he does alot for me too, but it always seems like I am going out of my way to help him out....yet when i bring it up to him...he doesnt understand where I'm coming from.  Its so hard when I'm such an emotion driven person, whereas he tries to cover up his feelings more.  I've always said I didnt want to date a girly guy...but at times I just with I could get a little bit of an emotion type conversation.  I just hate how it seems like we have nothing in common...yet other times it seems like hes the pefect person for me.

 

This entry isn't meant to bash my boyfriend...or say that i dont want him anymore...i think its just that I'm in one of those modes where I cant stop thinking about certain situations, which results in me thinking of ways to improve or change it....

 

Please give me any suggestions you have

Thanks

Vicki

Well hello0o0o

 

I decided to change some things around on here...and then I realised that its been a katrillion years since I've written anything...so i figured I better get my act together.

 

So just been workin, and school'in lately.  Nothing too exciting to report about that.  School's pretty easy, and is going really good...and work...well...work is work, so not much to say about that.

 

Oh, yeah the relationship area has been good for me lately. haha. In the last entry I think I brought up the new thing that I had but I didnt really talk too much about it.  Mostly out of fear of something going wrong (like all the other attempts at relationships) Well, this one has lasted for about five monthes now, so I think I'm save to start talking about it.

 

I'm actually really happy right now...it seems that everything is finally coming together for me.

 

I wish I could say the same about my friends though.  Thats the one thing I would change right now, is that I always feel guilty for going out and leaving my friend sitting at home on her own. 

 

I know its not my responsibility to care for my friends every worry and pain, I just feel bad that its come to a point where I would rather not talk to them, then have to worry about whats bothering them. That sound so horrible, but its how I feel right now.  I hate how they are unable to tell me whats wrong, yet they will sit there and sort of...announce (in a non verbal way) that they are hurting...

 

I've never been one of those people who needs alot of fun and entertainment when hanging out with my friends, and I'm still not, I just hate to have everyone around me be all depresso, and not talk about whats wrong.  It kinda brings me down in a way...which I don't think is fair.

 

Plus alot of the times they complain that I don't hang out with them, and that I hang out with my boyfriend, but thats just because they never call me to do things....cause before I had a boyfriend, it used to be me who called them to hang out, and I've become tired of waiting around for them to call...so I just go out with my boyfriend instead.  Easy as that. I'm not ditching them, ignoring them or avoiding them....they just don't call to make plans...so they miss out.

 

Damn, this went from a "this is whats going on in my life now" entry to a "dammit, friends suck" entry

 

Sorry that I went back to my whole bitter writing again. I guess this is just something that I needed to get off my chest.

 

Thanks for reading it all...if you even did...

leave any suggestions you may have haha

 

~Vicki